Friday, 21 September 2012

A Guest Post!

Here, for the first time on The Blog of Thog, is a guest post!

It's from my dad Graham, aka Ravanna/Oshune/Ellene for those Ravenswing gamers out there.  He's an excellent writer (far better than me!) so do enjoy.

Another post is in the pipeline too :)




I like to think of myself as a very thorough reader, indeed I can take ages reading just one page sometimes. It due to having a vivid imagination you see, I can visualise scenes that the words conjure up as it were, and I also find it easy to imagine that I can pronounce all those long words, and even know what they mean

A pen friend in Wales recently wrote and spoke of the joys of a rare welsh event, not only had it stopped raining (briefly) but it was also the International Eisteddfod, and so she had taken off with her partner to enjoy the parade. Everyone was having a wonderful time, there was singing, dancing and impromptu dances on the Maes. I took the latter to be English interlopers who had bought up welsh country cottages and were busy breathing welsh air and corrupting the local population in foreign ways.

A time honoured welsh tradition no doubt and highly commendable for sure. I mused if the abandoned gaiety had excited the spirits of summer for strange events were afoot all over it seems. Not only had the rain stopped (briefly!) and maes were being danced on but our fireguard had completely vanished for the second time recently and the bank had sent us a strange letter demanding that we comply with their Global Fortress initiative – failure to do so would result in a £50 monthly fine!! Do this by September 7th or else!
If we did comply then we would be charged £3.50 admin charge for erm, complying.

‘Global Fortress Initiative’ is gobbledegook for “We will handle all your online sales and make sure it’s safe”. We don’t do any online sales, none, this is something we don’t do.

Thinking as one might “What the ****!” I took the bank letter and informative booklet to the bank and asked one young assistant “Er what?” She duly arranged for someone to see me and within barely 15 minutes I sat down with another bank person who said “Erm, I have no idea, sorry. You’ll have to see a Business Specialist.”

An appointment was made a few days later I saw a business specialist who chatted in a friendly manner about the current economic climate, how it was hard for everyone these days etc. Eventually we managed to get him to look at the bank’s letter and informative booklet. He read the letter that the bank had sent us very carefully indeed, looking like a man who had not the slightest idea about what he was reading.

He had not the slightest idea about what it was he was reading.

“Ah, you will have to contact um, this specific department – I think they are down south somewhere, I’ve no idea what it’s all about really – and they will sort you out.”

“Oh by the by, you have approximately one week to sort it out, otherwise they will instigate the monthly £50 fines.”

(Graham thinks to himself – “But we don’t do arrgghhh kill death violence riot! I envy the Greeks, they firebombed their banks!”)

“Erm, we don’t do online sales, never, it doesn’t happen.” We don’t sell online, we don’t buy online, we don’t bank online – it’s just not safe (in our own opinion)

“Hmm” the business specialist said “well I am sure you will have to comply anyway.”

He looked at us and we looked at him. “So, can you sort this out for us?” I asked.
“Oh no, I’ve never seen this” – he waved the booklet about – “before, you will have to go online or talk to someone on the phone … I’m, I’m sure they will be able to help you.”
He smiled and looked relieved, the sun was shining and he had done his duty.

So, the bank has no idea what the bank is doing; gives you a kind of warm glow doesn’t it … come the revolution (long overdue)

When we got back home sitting in the bedroom (Why? How?) the fireguard stood innocently resting against a box of books. How it had gotten there is a mystery. How we hadn’t noticed it for over a month is a bigger mystery. I can only assume that it has been visiting a parallel dimension where all sorts of lost items go to for their summer holidays.

Graham Raven is a published author and partner of the company Raven.  Raven's facebook page is here and benefits from regular updates and pictures, do feel free to like!

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