Monday, 1 October 2012

A few thoughts...

A few thoughts for today...


Why is the word "long" shorter than the word "short"?

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Quick-minded and slow-minded individuals have an equal ability to put their foots in it. But only the quick-minded can sometimes get themselves out of it.

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Occasionally carry out an act of random kindness. No one knows what is going on and the chaos that results is much more fun than an ordinary act of evil.

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One of the most satisfying acts in life is to repair that which does not work. But shooting a computer in perfect order is entertaining too.

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Life is full of obstacles. If you wish you can overcome them. But it's a lot easier to avoid them.

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Technology can do anything. Except what you want it to.

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Don't ever worry about making fun of someones' accent. Somewhere else in the world someone is making fun of yours.

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Never miss a chance for chaos, even in death. Demand at your funeral all mourners do a conga clutching a small bag full of mushy peas.

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Never insult your hairdresser unless you want a pyramid-shaped head.

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Never try to use tools or equipment when drunk, even for food purposes. You will burn your house down and have to go to the takeaway anyhow.

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Every button a piece of technology has reduces the chance of it working by 50%.

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Life is short enough. Why spend it choosing curtains?

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Never waste the hours 9-11 on a Saturday morning. Use them to choose a good pub for the next twelve hours.

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Computer problems do not need a physical source. They arise from energies that we do not understand.

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Petrol is flammable. Paper is inflammable. Yet they both burn. Discuss.

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Never talk to an Australian about spiders. They will win.

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Shooting fish in a barrel is harder than it sounds.

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Discretion may be the better part of valour, but only if you can outrun your enemy.

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Ask a resident of Lincolnshire about their home, they will say Lincolnshire is flat. So where did all the hills in the middle come from?

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Take pride in the fact that whoever you meet, wherever in the world you are, you will own some music that they hate.

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Dust settles on things. People wipe the dust into a duster, then shake the duster. After that the dust settles on things. Therefore never dust and things will never get dusty.

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You may own a scruffy mongrel hound or a pedigree poodle. Both will pee on you.

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When going to the betting shop, consider: How many betting shop owners drive a Robin Reliant?

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When a medium declares that they "feel the presence of spirits" the bear in mind the possibility that the spirits are vodka-based.

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