Wednesday, 2 October 2013


Now, I'm not saying that I don't like football.  I do.

If England are playing there's a reasonable likelihood, especially if it's a big tournament, that I'll be watching the game.

And I support not just one, but two football teams, Newcastle United and Hull City.  But when I say "support", what I mean to say is that I quite like to hear that they've won.  I've no idea who is playing for either team, when their next game is, whereabouts they are in the league, anything like that.  I support Hull City because I live there, and Newcastle because when I was at college you either supported Leeds or Newcastle, and there were more Newcastle supporters than Leeds so I decided to try to average the numbers out.

I'm aware that people that enjoy football will be saying that I have no right to call myself a supporter - yes, you're correct.  But it's easier to say that you support a football team than "you are mildly interested in a football team"

However, for people like myself, there is a life lesson to learn.  You will encounter, particularly in pubs, but also in the office and even in taxis, real fans of football.

These souls will discuss how amazing it is that Smithy has bought the two Argentinians for a song and a supper, and that they are being played in a Quadruple Counterback position, when they should be a Swingside Forward Winger, and that Forgii shouldn’t be playing the full ninety minutes because he broke seven legs last game and one of them was his own. They will laugh, and their eye will twinkle in a way that indicates that you should be joining in.  It is essential for any man to learn to recognise this copy and know how to copy it, so that you can appear knowledgeable about football when all you know is that the round thing needs in go into the stringy thing and you wish they wouldn’t switch ends at half time because it means for the first ten minutes of the second half you are cheering every time the other side scores a goal.

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