Thursday, 4 June 2015

Guest post - Bloody Luxury

My dad Graham has soared to the challenge of providing guest posts for my blog by providing a huge amount of posts - thanks dad!  Here's one of them.



(overheard conversation in which an un-named older, generic friend/relative speaks of her experiences during birth)

Ha! … now when I had our Mavis, I was in labour for 36 days, screaming in agony I was, the pain was nothing short of torture, nothing short of torture I can tell you. It was a blessed relief when the doctor hit me with a mallet and knocked me out, he said the screaming was keeping him awake. 1,714 stitches I had, ripped me open from one end to the other they did, it felt like I was being torn open by wild animals, and our Mavis still had to be cut out of me because she was entangled in my Pontrimetapodemioun.

Fourteen gallons of blood I lost giving birth to our Mavis, the nurses agreed they’d never seen such a bleeder like me before, and they ran out of blood, had to mop the floor they did and pump it back into me to keep me alive.

Not that I’m one to complain, as you well know, but that wasn’t the worst bit! Oh dear me no. As soon as they’d put Mavis on life support and cauterised my bleeding, they noticed both my legs were turning green – Omtropophilitis I told them, mark my word it will be Omtropophilitis – not that the doctor took any notice of me, he said I was probably just trying to attract attention to myself.
He was most put out when both legs fell off. Fifteen months of unspeakable misery it was, re-growing new legs thanks to that experimental frog venom, the pain was indescribable and you know the side effects?

Oh the side effects, I had a terrible urge to eat flies.

But I survived it all and now I can walk again, although in constant throbbing pain you understand. Not that I’d expect Mavis to appreciate all that of course, she’s young, so has no idea what misery it is to give birth.

And you tell that to the kids these days … and they don’t believe you! (well, not Mavis anyway!)

Gentleman readers will of course recognise this was an entirely female conversation, which no man would be able to understand.

Feel free to check out my parents mail order business selling all kinds of weird and wonderful magical goodies at


  1. Love this post, very funny! Everybody else's labor is always worse than your own. I quit telling my labor stories because I felt others were trying to one up me! Lol!

    1. When my partner was pregnant it was definitely something that happened, people felt the need to tell the worst possible story, I assume the reason wasn't to panic her but it had that effect! :)

  2. I see you get it from both sides lol


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