Thursday, 4 January 2018

Warning - Grand Theft Auto V ahead

Warning - some adult related content ahead.

So, I've recently been playing Grand Theft Auto V.  It's been out a few years now, but I've just got my hands on it (thanks to my good friend and Counterstrike partner Dusty).

Now, you are probably aware of Grand Theft Auto, it's not the most law abiding of games. For the uninitiated, it involves stealing cars, and carrying out missions which tend to be morally ambiguous at best. And I'm not talking about squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle, or parking on a double yellow line without a disabled badge.

Although you can also play tennis. We might be gangsters, but we're middle-class gangsters.

Anyway, I played a few missions with one of the main protagonists, Franklin.

Here he is!

Franklin had had a bit of a rough day, all things considered. He'd collected some cars and take them back to a car dealer of questionable nature, taken part in a gun battle, chased down some guy on a motor bike (which he was supposed to shoot whilst driving, only I couldn't work out how so I had to drive into the biker, get out of my car and then complete the task whilst foot)... it had been a bit of a tough day for him. So he decided to go and unwind.

Unfortunately for Franklin, I was controlling him.

So, Franklin went into a strip bar, had an overpriced drink, and then got a couple of private dances from a lady called Infernus.

The strip club in the cold light of day

Things were going well with the dancer, Franklin was complimenting her on her tattoos and the like, and she suggested that the party be continued at her house.

You too could meet an Infernus at a place like this.

Franklin agreed.

Now, here comes the first problem.

In a game called Grand Theft Auto - where you can pretty much steal any car you like - I had decided, for reasons unknown, to walk to the strip club.

Meeting Infernus round the back of the club,  I realised that her house was quite some distance away, and would take forever to walk to. And she didn't look as though she was likely to sprint, considering the stilettos she was wearing.

I'm not going to spend half an hour walking to Infernus's apartment, I thought, Franklin's a busy man. Besides, was the classy Infernus going to be happy walking across city?

So I did what anyone in Los Santos would do - I stepped out into the highway in front of a car, and as they came to a stop Franklin opened the door and pulled the driver out. Hey presto, I've got a ride.

That's when things went wronger.

A very annoying bystander who had seen the whole thing go down decided to call the cops on me.  Infernus declared that she wasn't down for this kind of action, and started walking away.

I swiftly drove the car up to Infernus, hoping to talk her round, but apparently driving a car at high speed towards the exotic dancer scared her.

Now, I'm not quite sure how it happened, but I ran into her.

Panicked at the way things were turning out, I put my foot down, and Infernus tumbled along, pushed at high speed by my car, until she was pulped quite badly between my stolen car and a commercial waste bin.

This one, actually.

This definitely put a downer on Franklin's evening (and Infernus's, for that matter).

Following this was a high speed car chase going the wrong way down the city highway as I was pursued by various police cars trying to hunt me down.

So spare a thought for Franklin, whose night didn't go down as well as he hoped.

But at least he's got a nice new haircut and beard.

In other news, my son last night, busy drawing pictures of people, asked me what colour my hair was.  I didn't reply so that I could see what he'd say next.

He then said "Is it black?"

Black. Yes, I'll take black.

Not sure on the exact percentages, but silver definitely has a bid. So I'll stick with black for now.

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