Sunday, 18 November 2018

The Cheese Grater Explained

It's Sunday morning, which means I have a slice of time free to write!  To create, to make something new, the activity of generating ephemeral ideas and translating them into the written word.

Or you could just stage photos of writing, to avoid actually having to do it.

Anyway, today I wish to embark upon an explanatory text, to educate one and all upon the humble cheese grater.

The cheese grater is something that we all own, and quietly sits in our homes, ready to be called upon when needed.  Yet is it truly understood?

Today I will share with you my expertise on my very own hexagonal cheese grater, and in particular the uses of the six different sides.

Here we go!


SIDE ONE: Big Holes.


This is the standard size to be used at all times.  It is used to make large gratings of cheese, ideal for putting on a sandwich, toastie, and pretty much anything else you want grated cheese for.



SIDE TWO: Small Holes!


This is the side used when you have guests and you want your food to look slightly nicer than normal.  You get smaller gratings of cheese than if you used the big holes, so it takes longer and therefore is less pleasant.


SIDE THREE: The Slicer!


Allegedly used for slicing cheese, no one in history has ever used this side, because, to misquote James Acaster, when you want a slice of cheese your first thought is not the grater.


SIDE FOUR: The Slicer's Identical Twin!


As though having one side made up of slicers isn't enough, there's an identical twin on another side.  This makes me wonder if people are as gross as I suspect, and rather than washing up the grater after using the slicer (as if anyone ever does), they decide to leave it because there's a totally unused and clean side still to go.


SIDE FIVE: The Finger Killer


God only knows what this side is used for, with its mixture of holes and sticky up bits, but if you ever thought that grating cheese using the side with the big holes is dangerous to your fingers, you haven't tangled with this one, which is especially designed to trick your fingers into exposing themselves before ripping a chunk off.

If a grater was conscious and wanted to eat a human, one finger at a time, this would be its mouth.


SIDE SIX: Angry Nipples


To round off this exploration of the cheese grater, the last side seems to consist of approximately seventeen million furious barbed nipples that, when in the vicinity of cheese (or anything else for that matter), clutch onto the dairy product and tear it into a thousand pieces.



Thank you for your time.

(If you enjoyed this - or even if you didn't - why not see the photos from the earthquake I survived earlier this year?)

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